Yesterday morning I was in DC recovering from a 24 hour car ride from Brooklyn, NY to Toronto, Canada to Baltimore, MD. I stayed with a very sweet and funny man named Mark who I used to work with in San Francisco. Him and his girlfriend Neta were so nice to me. Mark is a comedian an actor. He's one of the best impersonators I know but he hasnt really taken the leap that he feels he should and he said what I am doin is inspiring. I told him that I honestly didn#t think it was a huge deal and was almost numb to it. I mean, I've gone through a lot that I'm not tellin you all - not cause I dont want to, but because there just honestly aint enough hours in the day!
Toronto, Canada was fun. It was my first time in Canada. I was there for an erotic show called The Sweet Spot that my friend Ainsley puts on. There are burlesque dancers, poets, comedians, singers and erotic competitions. usually the show gets wild - really wild, but we had to really warm Canada up. The crowd was majority black womyn and they were very shy. Anywho, it was fun and I got paid in Canadian money so it all was a first.
This entire trip seemed like it would never happen. I thought I would NEVER really get out of America. Honest. I kept thinkin in my head that I would sooner get hit by a car and kept awaiting my sudden death these past couple of days. i dont know why my mind went to such a dramatic place. I think its because America has made itself such a . . . . reoccuring dream and nightmare to me and my familair surroundings. I dont know too many people (especailly womyn) in my family who have left it JUST to leave it. And the people in mz family are so strong willed that only something a hundred times stronger than them could halt them in anything they set their minds to - so I never thought this day would come.
Yesterday when Mark took me to the airport my heart began to pound out of my chest. It felt like I was somewhere between a panic attack and an orgasm. I sat silently and tried to keep my cool. I finally confessed "man, this shit just got real!" and Mark was like "oh you feelin it, now?" I said "yeah, I'm finally feelin it." And we both began laughing.
The plane ride was just like any other plane ride I'd taken before except this one flight attendant was really partail to me for some reason. Not in a sexual way at all. She was not old enough to be my mother but she was very motherly towards me. It was like our spirits were very old friends. I didnt sleep at all. I didnt feel excited. Or maybe I was so excited I went numb again. Either way, there was no sleep. This morning when I arrived in germany I couldn't believe it.
I walked into the terminal and the majority of things were written in German. I had someone waiting for me downstairs but I needed to find my the baggage claim. I didn't ask for help. I am determined to figure out as much as I can by myself.
I found my bag and my friend's friend Dianna. Dianna is an adorable straight faced german womyn with cat eyes and short, coarse hair. We introduced and then she took me for breakfast.
When we went outside it was foggy and all of the buildings are structured so differently. I kept saying 'I can#t believe I'm here'. We went to one of Dianna's jobs and she insisted that she treat. I'm on too tight a budget to refuse. She talks to the people in German and I listen carefully. Some of it I understand just from how the words sound and I would repeat what I thought Dianna said like 'you want coffee and a soft boiled egg?' and she would say 'yes!' and I would say 'you want double shots of coffee?' and she would agree again. She asked me had I studied and I told her just a bit - like an idy bidy bit. I told her that the English language is a mix of so many others that some of the words automatically translate for me.
Dianna and I sat and talked. We truly enjoyed each other. She was supposed to take me to breakfast, then to school with her, then drop me off at another friend of a friend's to rest but she decided to ditch her class and kick it with me some more over a beer. We talked alot about politics and social mannerisms, and do's and don'ts and blue collar workers and education. It was really nice till my sleep decided to catch up with me and she dropped me off at a "flat" in Frankfurt to get some rest. So, that's where I am now.
A young man named David let me inside and they had a room for me. It was David's first time meeting Dianna and her first time coming to the house so I have truly been at the mercy of strangers all day. David's English is not as fluid as Dianna's and I love it. I told Dianna to speak to me in German, and I kept askin David how to say things in German and he would ask me the English word for it.
I'm still working on the novel and it is coming out powerful and beautiful. My new goal is to finish and publish the novel before I come back home.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
C is for muthafuckinCornball!
Before I really lean into the fussin like I am definitely going to do - we must ALL take a moment of celebration for my mentor's birthday! It's today and we wouldnt be reading about ME and this journey without her help and friendship and kindness. She's the bomb.com all by herself. Real talk. Much Love and Respect and Blessings to YOU Arlene.
Ok, lemme get on this man's helmet really quick - OK the Rapper. Jesus Christ. So, I had a show last night. My friend Ainsley asked me if I wanted to feature for an erotic slam. I told him sure, I could use the money. So I get all cute and Ainsley is like "you gonna invite old dude?" (by 'old dude' he means the Rapper) and I'm like "I dunno - I dont think so. he made it sound like he had hella work to do tonight." So, Ainsley talked me into at least textin him where I was gonna be.
Long story short. I get to the club. Its hella hood so I love it automatically (black people are so fuckin real and beautiful with it). It reminds me of Dorsey's Locker in Oakland. The crowd was intimate and had a "we all know each other" vibe. I was having hella fun. All of a sudden, I turned around and the Rapper is there and I remembered how handsome he is. He was smilin and I was smilin. We hugged and I thanked him for comin out.
So, After the show me and him chillin tryin to figure out what the next move is. I wanted to know if he had energy and time to hang OUT as in "No Negro, I am NOT going to your house." So he keep askin me what I wanna do and Im like "Love, Im not from here. I dont know what my options are, but Im down to hang out." And he was like "for real, what do you wanna do, what do you expect from the night?' And, Ok, when it comes to subliminal messages or people expectin me to read in between lines, I suck. I need the plain and simple truth and I wasnt gettin it from him. Usually when that happens I feel like it is because something about me isn't welcoming the truth in the conversation. So I smiled. I held his hand and said "Listen, I don't understand you at all and I really want to. I want to have a nice time with you tonight. I am not going to fuck you. So if that's the need that has to be met tonight, I might not be the one to talk to right now. So, I repeat - I don't have any expectations. I want to get to know you better. Do you have time for that tonight?" He said yes. He told me that he's not the type of dude that's just in it for the panties and that he wants to really spend the night getting to know me too. Then he told me his brother was with him. So I was like "well, I would feel uncomfortable getting in a car with two men that I do not know and going anywhere. Does your brother have a lady?" he said no. So me being the mackin as Mack that I am, I told the Rapper to give me five minutes. I went to the Bartender of the erotic venue. She is a very gorgeous womyn. Same height as me, Puertorican, Brazilian, and Spanish with high cheek bones and a sexy gap in her teeth. I talked to her and asked her to come out with us. She said yes. So, Im thinkin: the Brother can kick it with her, the Rapper can kick it with me, and Im not alone with two men. Problem solved!
So the Rapper takes us out to a totally empty club. I mean it's empty for New York - for reals. It was like 10 people there besides us. The Bartender is lookin at me like " Gurl, Nuh uhn!" and I put my arm around her shoulder, made her laugh and convinced her that its the people who make the place. The music was nice. I started dancin and the Rapper started dancin with me. I thought the atmosphere was perfect because we had nothin but space and time to chit-chat and get to know each other. So, when the Rapper goes to talk to a friend of his I sit down and the Brother (who is supposed to be mackin the Bartender) comes over and starts talkin to me. I'm hearin what he sayin, and after while its crystal clear that he comin on to me. I was like "so you know I'm here with your brother, right?" and then I look for the Rapper - he over there flirtin with the Bartender! My mind was like "what the hell kinda cornball ass games is these cats tryin to run?! Whatever it is I quit . . . But I'mma teach em a lesson before I go!"
So, I play along with the Brother. I squeeze this cat for all types of info that I know the Rapper didn't want me to know about him - but I had to know what the Rapper's deal was just outta sheer curiosity! I'll just say: I had ideas, and his Brother confirmed them. Then after the conversation the Brother realized that he had JUST told me a bunch of shit he shouldn't have. He told me not to tell the Rapper and I looked at the Rapper and I got up from my seat and went in the back of the bar where there was a restaurant. I went there to calm down. There was a Jamaican chef back there and he and I started talkin and laughin. He said he wants to take me to a dance hall today but honestly, I dont have energy for anymore men before I leave. Anyway, the Chef makes me a nice meal to go. I stay in the kitchen with him and go through his spices and joke with him while he cooks. He was really fun with sneaky eyes and horrible teeth - but HELLA fun. So I get my plate and come back out to the bar. I see the Rapper still flirtin with the Bartender. The Brother aint talkin to nobody. He sittin at the bar drinkin & lookin like his dog died. So now, after takin a moment to laugh with the Chef, I'm calm enough to finish out the lesson.
I walk over to the Bartender. I whispered in her ear "so, i'm over it - how bout you?" she was like "Oh, I been over it for a while." I look at the Rapper, he lookin at me but has NO IDEA what I'm whisperin in the womyn's ear and I KNOW that he reeeaaaally wants to know. I smiled and whispered in her ear again "Hey, lemme get your number. Let's try this again tomorrow minus the men" when this beautiful womyn pulled out her phone and exchanged numbers with me. Then the Rapper felt ignored, like I wanted him to feel. He got up, like I needed him to do. And I whispered, "say, Love. Take me home? I do not feel comfortable goin with these two men at all. That's why I asked you to come with me. Let's just go. I dont even wanna say bye to these cats." She picked up her purse and was out the door with me within the next 7 seconds. I wish I had a camera to show yall the LOOK on the Rapper's face as he practically chased the two of us to her car! LMAO. So priceless. He knew when we got in that car we was gonna talk and boy DID we. LMAO. Now, I'mma kick it with her tonight. But I gotta make it an EARLY night cause I gotta go to Toronto, Canada FIRST thing in the mornin for a gig. Then as soon as I get back, I'm headed to DC to go to Germany!!! YAAAAY!
P.S. What a cornball the Rapper turned out to be! What kinda womyn did he take me for?
P.S.S Guess what - I got my days switched back and I'm not tired anymore!!! It's about to go DOWN!
Ok, lemme get on this man's helmet really quick - OK the Rapper. Jesus Christ. So, I had a show last night. My friend Ainsley asked me if I wanted to feature for an erotic slam. I told him sure, I could use the money. So I get all cute and Ainsley is like "you gonna invite old dude?" (by 'old dude' he means the Rapper) and I'm like "I dunno - I dont think so. he made it sound like he had hella work to do tonight." So, Ainsley talked me into at least textin him where I was gonna be.
Long story short. I get to the club. Its hella hood so I love it automatically (black people are so fuckin real and beautiful with it). It reminds me of Dorsey's Locker in Oakland. The crowd was intimate and had a "we all know each other" vibe. I was having hella fun. All of a sudden, I turned around and the Rapper is there and I remembered how handsome he is. He was smilin and I was smilin. We hugged and I thanked him for comin out.
So, After the show me and him chillin tryin to figure out what the next move is. I wanted to know if he had energy and time to hang OUT as in "No Negro, I am NOT going to your house." So he keep askin me what I wanna do and Im like "Love, Im not from here. I dont know what my options are, but Im down to hang out." And he was like "for real, what do you wanna do, what do you expect from the night?' And, Ok, when it comes to subliminal messages or people expectin me to read in between lines, I suck. I need the plain and simple truth and I wasnt gettin it from him. Usually when that happens I feel like it is because something about me isn't welcoming the truth in the conversation. So I smiled. I held his hand and said "Listen, I don't understand you at all and I really want to. I want to have a nice time with you tonight. I am not going to fuck you. So if that's the need that has to be met tonight, I might not be the one to talk to right now. So, I repeat - I don't have any expectations. I want to get to know you better. Do you have time for that tonight?" He said yes. He told me that he's not the type of dude that's just in it for the panties and that he wants to really spend the night getting to know me too. Then he told me his brother was with him. So I was like "well, I would feel uncomfortable getting in a car with two men that I do not know and going anywhere. Does your brother have a lady?" he said no. So me being the mackin as Mack that I am, I told the Rapper to give me five minutes. I went to the Bartender of the erotic venue. She is a very gorgeous womyn. Same height as me, Puertorican, Brazilian, and Spanish with high cheek bones and a sexy gap in her teeth. I talked to her and asked her to come out with us. She said yes. So, Im thinkin: the Brother can kick it with her, the Rapper can kick it with me, and Im not alone with two men. Problem solved!
So the Rapper takes us out to a totally empty club. I mean it's empty for New York - for reals. It was like 10 people there besides us. The Bartender is lookin at me like " Gurl, Nuh uhn!" and I put my arm around her shoulder, made her laugh and convinced her that its the people who make the place. The music was nice. I started dancin and the Rapper started dancin with me. I thought the atmosphere was perfect because we had nothin but space and time to chit-chat and get to know each other. So, when the Rapper goes to talk to a friend of his I sit down and the Brother (who is supposed to be mackin the Bartender) comes over and starts talkin to me. I'm hearin what he sayin, and after while its crystal clear that he comin on to me. I was like "so you know I'm here with your brother, right?" and then I look for the Rapper - he over there flirtin with the Bartender! My mind was like "what the hell kinda cornball ass games is these cats tryin to run?! Whatever it is I quit . . . But I'mma teach em a lesson before I go!"
So, I play along with the Brother. I squeeze this cat for all types of info that I know the Rapper didn't want me to know about him - but I had to know what the Rapper's deal was just outta sheer curiosity! I'll just say: I had ideas, and his Brother confirmed them. Then after the conversation the Brother realized that he had JUST told me a bunch of shit he shouldn't have. He told me not to tell the Rapper and I looked at the Rapper and I got up from my seat and went in the back of the bar where there was a restaurant. I went there to calm down. There was a Jamaican chef back there and he and I started talkin and laughin. He said he wants to take me to a dance hall today but honestly, I dont have energy for anymore men before I leave. Anyway, the Chef makes me a nice meal to go. I stay in the kitchen with him and go through his spices and joke with him while he cooks. He was really fun with sneaky eyes and horrible teeth - but HELLA fun. So I get my plate and come back out to the bar. I see the Rapper still flirtin with the Bartender. The Brother aint talkin to nobody. He sittin at the bar drinkin & lookin like his dog died. So now, after takin a moment to laugh with the Chef, I'm calm enough to finish out the lesson.
I walk over to the Bartender. I whispered in her ear "so, i'm over it - how bout you?" she was like "Oh, I been over it for a while." I look at the Rapper, he lookin at me but has NO IDEA what I'm whisperin in the womyn's ear and I KNOW that he reeeaaaally wants to know. I smiled and whispered in her ear again "Hey, lemme get your number. Let's try this again tomorrow minus the men" when this beautiful womyn pulled out her phone and exchanged numbers with me. Then the Rapper felt ignored, like I wanted him to feel. He got up, like I needed him to do. And I whispered, "say, Love. Take me home? I do not feel comfortable goin with these two men at all. That's why I asked you to come with me. Let's just go. I dont even wanna say bye to these cats." She picked up her purse and was out the door with me within the next 7 seconds. I wish I had a camera to show yall the LOOK on the Rapper's face as he practically chased the two of us to her car! LMAO. So priceless. He knew when we got in that car we was gonna talk and boy DID we. LMAO. Now, I'mma kick it with her tonight. But I gotta make it an EARLY night cause I gotta go to Toronto, Canada FIRST thing in the mornin for a gig. Then as soon as I get back, I'm headed to DC to go to Germany!!! YAAAAY!
P.S. What a cornball the Rapper turned out to be! What kinda womyn did he take me for?
P.S.S Guess what - I got my days switched back and I'm not tired anymore!!! It's about to go DOWN!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
End of Mental Health Day
So, as of right now its like 1:15AM and I am still out. Im spending the night over an old friend's house. She lives right next door to Central Park where we met, went for a stroll, had somethin to eat and then came to kick it at her crib. I didnt do any of the things I said I would do as far as washing my clothes and stuff. When I got out of the house I just didnt want to come back inside.
The rapper called me and asked me out on a date . . . . *sigh* Honest, the thought of it just made me tired. I told him I might be down tomorrow and right when I got off the phone I went to sleep at my friend's place. Yup, sure did. I told her that I think I have mono but I have no idea from where cause I aint kissed no one since the beginning of September. We looked up the symptoms of mono to see if I needed to go to the hospital and the ONLY symptom I have is exhaustion and its not that bad. like I dont feel like I cant walk ten blocks. I just feel sleepy all the time. So I'mma say Im just tired.
But my nap wasnt as long as the others. I am more energetic and at least im trying. I'm just ready to get the hell outta America truth be told. I'm ready for the weekend to come and go so I can too.
On a flip side my friend and her friends are pretty phenomenal. Her sister is absolutely beautiful and her brother-in-law is a very talented painter. The place they live in is nice and comfy and they gotta baby here. He is absolutely adorable. He is 4 going on 50. He came home from Pre-school today and I thought he would be afraid of me because most babies are at first and then by the end of the hour they are all over me. Well, this little nugget came over, introduced himself, shook my hand, showed me his cut on his hand from school, jumped on the couch and snuggled right under my arms within the first five minutes of meeting me! He wasn't afraid of me at all. And he is so sharp! Every question I asked him he stopped to examine and then answer. He is really somethin special. After he took a bath he sprayed his father's cologne on his onezy and ran over to me saying "smell me! Smell me!" so I sniffed his neck and chest and said "ooooh, you smell awesome" and without warning, in front of everyone in the room, he shoved his head in my breast and breathed in! He said "You smell good too". haha! The action was SO inappropriate I was stuck. His mom, aunt and father laughed and gave me a long list of stories that top what he just did. Apparently, this litte guy just loves womyn. He actually prefers them in fishnet stalkings and high heel boots. Haha. He is really somethin else. He made my day.
The rapper called me and asked me out on a date . . . . *sigh* Honest, the thought of it just made me tired. I told him I might be down tomorrow and right when I got off the phone I went to sleep at my friend's place. Yup, sure did. I told her that I think I have mono but I have no idea from where cause I aint kissed no one since the beginning of September. We looked up the symptoms of mono to see if I needed to go to the hospital and the ONLY symptom I have is exhaustion and its not that bad. like I dont feel like I cant walk ten blocks. I just feel sleepy all the time. So I'mma say Im just tired.
But my nap wasnt as long as the others. I am more energetic and at least im trying. I'm just ready to get the hell outta America truth be told. I'm ready for the weekend to come and go so I can too.
On a flip side my friend and her friends are pretty phenomenal. Her sister is absolutely beautiful and her brother-in-law is a very talented painter. The place they live in is nice and comfy and they gotta baby here. He is absolutely adorable. He is 4 going on 50. He came home from Pre-school today and I thought he would be afraid of me because most babies are at first and then by the end of the hour they are all over me. Well, this little nugget came over, introduced himself, shook my hand, showed me his cut on his hand from school, jumped on the couch and snuggled right under my arms within the first five minutes of meeting me! He wasn't afraid of me at all. And he is so sharp! Every question I asked him he stopped to examine and then answer. He is really somethin special. After he took a bath he sprayed his father's cologne on his onezy and ran over to me saying "smell me! Smell me!" so I sniffed his neck and chest and said "ooooh, you smell awesome" and without warning, in front of everyone in the room, he shoved his head in my breast and breathed in! He said "You smell good too". haha! The action was SO inappropriate I was stuck. His mom, aunt and father laughed and gave me a long list of stories that top what he just did. Apparently, this litte guy just loves womyn. He actually prefers them in fishnet stalkings and high heel boots. Haha. He is really somethin else. He made my day.
Takin A Mental Health Day
What I wrote to a friend earlier last night
"Lord. It's barely been a month since I've been gone but because I have no idea when I'm coming back home yet, I really miss everyone. Especially my nieces and my nephew. usually when I go away on trips I dont miss anyone because I am scrounging for as much freedom from them within the time span of my leave and return. But there is something so different about this trip. Today, even though I awoke early and went for a stroll and it was truly beautiful in Brooklyn, the moment I came home I went to sleep. I didnt want to eat. I just felt exhausted. I really think I'm depressed. I had these same symptoms when I was going through my divorce - but the difference is that I'm not sad at all. I feel pretty balanced. Im not even anti social. I just want to sleep all the fuckin time. All day all night I just wanna sleep. It's never been this bad before . . . it could just be the year finally catchin up with me. My body is probably shitting out all the exhaustion I've made it hold in but it's been like 3 or 4 days. I feel like I'm on Night Quil all the time - that's how tired I am. The only good thing about mild depression is that it doesnt last always."Im about to get up. Go get some coffee. Wash my clothes. buy some groceries to tide me over for the next few days and make every effort I can to stay out of the house till night time. Im actually thinkin of hittin up the Nuyo and entering the slam. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Scary Stories
So its around 7AM and Im just waking up. A good writing prompt for my novel awoke me from my sleep. I haven't written it down yet - its still in the back of my head festering. Im really taking my time with this novel. I want to make sure all of the pieces and words and ideas are servants to one another so I am not just waking up and "flowing" in any way. Instead, I'm treating this process like a crime: I want to make sure the details and executions are as simple and precise and clear as possible and Im not doing all of this thinking and planning to get caught up in unneccessary emotional evidence and have to apologize in the end. So Imma blog before I get back to my novel just to get the extra shit off my mind.
You know whats scary about bloggin? People actually read this shit! I mean, I thought that most people glanced over it and thought "yeah yeah Joyce, we know you travelin and doin your thing. I just wanted to check in on the date for your last entry to make sure your silly ass is breathing" but its not like that at all. People - who are NOT subscribed are actually readin this shit. Thats scary. Because I have promised myself to be candid in this thing and . . . . Ok, good example:
In a past blog I wrote about how I had to change my trip from Africa to Germany and I mentioned that I didnt consider how I didnt have any winter clothes until it began snowing in New York. Now, I swear on my soul, I was just giving friends an update on my little adventure. But last night I got a phone call from a friend Sweet N Shamelss (thats her stage name) and she was asking me where I was because shed put together a care package of mittens and a winter scarf, long johns, and a couple of sweaters so "you won't freeze your tits off in New York or Germany" <== her words, not mine. Now Sue (her real name) is a giver. She's just a kind hearted person - she cant help it and I appreciate her so much for her giving. But honest, it caught me so off guard that it scared me.
Another example: I am in love. I have been for several months now. The man I love doesnt feel the same. Its not a big deal - we have an understanding. The understanding is: I love him, he dont love me and I'm dealing with it as realistically as possible. He is one of my best friends. So yesterday we are shootin each other little Facebook messages back and forth and he shares a quick piece of writing with me. I read it a couple times, give him my favorite line and tell him about my novel and he responds "yeah, I read your little blog" and my heart swallowed spit. I wanted to go back and erase the rapper and bartender I flirted with. Not that my Love cares - he doesnt. But I do. I dont want him to believe that my love is a lie and that now that he is out of sight he is easy to replace. That's not true. What is true is what I wrote and what I will continue to write. I mean, even this confession will be read. And I may have to answer for it but so what. Its how I feel and I cant keep censoring myself for fear of confrontation. Ive done that often in my past until two girls showed me a mirror and I disliked what I saw so much that I shattered it and burned the bridges of it's frame.
Well, thats about that. Im up in the morning (yaaaaay) and I am about to write and read and go for a serious stroll today. Later for now.
You know whats scary about bloggin? People actually read this shit! I mean, I thought that most people glanced over it and thought "yeah yeah Joyce, we know you travelin and doin your thing. I just wanted to check in on the date for your last entry to make sure your silly ass is breathing" but its not like that at all. People - who are NOT subscribed are actually readin this shit. Thats scary. Because I have promised myself to be candid in this thing and . . . . Ok, good example:
In a past blog I wrote about how I had to change my trip from Africa to Germany and I mentioned that I didnt consider how I didnt have any winter clothes until it began snowing in New York. Now, I swear on my soul, I was just giving friends an update on my little adventure. But last night I got a phone call from a friend Sweet N Shamelss (thats her stage name) and she was asking me where I was because shed put together a care package of mittens and a winter scarf, long johns, and a couple of sweaters so "you won't freeze your tits off in New York or Germany" <== her words, not mine. Now Sue (her real name) is a giver. She's just a kind hearted person - she cant help it and I appreciate her so much for her giving. But honest, it caught me so off guard that it scared me.
Another example: I am in love. I have been for several months now. The man I love doesnt feel the same. Its not a big deal - we have an understanding. The understanding is: I love him, he dont love me and I'm dealing with it as realistically as possible. He is one of my best friends. So yesterday we are shootin each other little Facebook messages back and forth and he shares a quick piece of writing with me. I read it a couple times, give him my favorite line and tell him about my novel and he responds "yeah, I read your little blog" and my heart swallowed spit. I wanted to go back and erase the rapper and bartender I flirted with. Not that my Love cares - he doesnt. But I do. I dont want him to believe that my love is a lie and that now that he is out of sight he is easy to replace. That's not true. What is true is what I wrote and what I will continue to write. I mean, even this confession will be read. And I may have to answer for it but so what. Its how I feel and I cant keep censoring myself for fear of confrontation. Ive done that often in my past until two girls showed me a mirror and I disliked what I saw so much that I shattered it and burned the bridges of it's frame.
Well, thats about that. Im up in the morning (yaaaaay) and I am about to write and read and go for a serious stroll today. Later for now.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Technological Hate
I am so full. I did this to myself on purpose. I stuffed myself on turkey salad and water - bottled water and I am about to take a hot shower and take my ass to bed. This is early for me but Im tryin. I just signed up for twitter and I absolutely hate it. I never wanted to do it but I ran into a semi famous comedian recently who bought my cd, asked me to sign it and took a picture of it for twitter. He asked me what was my twitter account so that he could tag me. I told him that I hated twitter and he sat at the dinner table with me and said "Love, you are just starting out so let me help you - this is show business - the key word BUSINESS you need access to every social media angle." I took his advice but I dont like it.
I also signed up because so many of my friends have said the same thing the comedian said and many of my friends think Im hilarious (even though I keep tellin them that I rarely joke - I be serious as hell).
Anywho, now Im a blogger, a FBer, a bancamper, youtuber, and a twit. Can you blame me for not being proud of these titles?
Imma jump in the shower and call it a night. what I would love is a person to do some of my social media for me . . . Another word for that is secretary but I do not want to believe that I need one yet. My money showll aint there to hire one. Eh. We'll see.
GoodMorning :-)
I also signed up because so many of my friends have said the same thing the comedian said and many of my friends think Im hilarious (even though I keep tellin them that I rarely joke - I be serious as hell).
Anywho, now Im a blogger, a FBer, a bancamper, youtuber, and a twit. Can you blame me for not being proud of these titles?
Imma jump in the shower and call it a night. what I would love is a person to do some of my social media for me . . . Another word for that is secretary but I do not want to believe that I need one yet. My money showll aint there to hire one. Eh. We'll see.
GoodMorning :-)
New York Nights (From The Perspective of A Vampire).
I think I have my days switched completely around. I sleep all day - like for real. I used to sleep a lot the last few days I was in California but, man, I will literally go to sleep at like 7 AM and sleep until 6pm and then I'll get dressed and go out, eat at like 4 or 5 AM, come back to the house and write for a couple hours. I feel like a Vampire. This city really doesnt sleep. I dont know how people do it.
Ive been trying to explain the time difference to my family. I told my sister Wizzy and my cousin Tamishe
"you know how in Cali if you wake up at like 8 in the morning you'll see people on they way to work, kids on they way to school? At around noon you see mostly kids who are cutting school and adults on lunch breaks or without jobs? And then at like 6 it's mainly folks rushin home from work, around eight to 10 its mainly adults and teens - but no kids out? Well, here, you can be on a subway at 4 AM and it has the same mix of people as a California afternoon. It's so easy to lose track of time here because every minute and hour looks like a California afternoon, even when it's dark."
I think another reason I've become nocturnal is because I aint got shit to do right now in my life except for write. I got my confirmation number to Germany. I wish I could leave tomorrow but the soonest everything is open is on the 8th of November - next monday. So in the meantime between time I'm just pinchin pennies and chillin.
I have been writing my black ass off! I love the new direction my writing is taking. I've all of a sudden found myself working on a novel that I am absolutely in love with. I am actually writing the type of work that I would be interested in reading. I love it. I feel like a writer for the first time in my life and I've given myself full permission to operate in that feeling and cant no one tell me otherwise.
Today I just stayed in. I ate a little - I havent had much of an appetite sine I left Cali. I think I'm heartbroken, but I expected to be so - whatever. I get very thirsty here and the tap water is awful. Its just truly disgusting and I'm always thirsty. lol.
The men here are not much different than the men in Cali. I used to think there was a huge difference but there really isnt. Most men nowadays just dont take the time to try and understand womyn. I dunno if its because they dont have to or what - but Lord! I like that the men in New York approach me boldly. But after they get past hello they dont really know what to say or do. Most of them offer me drinks. And of course I love drinks. So I drink and wait for them to be who they are and not who they think I want to fuck that night . . . and they just buy me more drinks and hope that I'll get drunk and make it easier for them . . . and then I'll stop drinking and go home. This has happened 3 times already.
I met one guy that I was really attracted to. I saw him rap at a venue. I thought he was hilarious and found his security sexy. Afterwards he sat next to me and I didnt say anything to him, I just smiled. He smiled back. I thought "he could get it". Later I got on the mic and said a couple of poems. The men in the room absolutely loved em. After the show the guy that I liked came and introduced himself. We complimented each other. He asked me for my number and pretended it was about business. I played along. I asked him what was up with the night, it was young. Is there a fun place to go and dance. He told me where him and his friends were goin and I told him me and my girls would meet him there. We did. I had already told my girls that I was goin there just to flirt with him.
The place is PACKED with men. The bartender is SO fine - even his earlobes had muscles. He and I caught eyes and he smiled a naughty, freaky, McNasty, sexual smile and my grin almost touched my ears. But I didnt say nothin to him because I wanted to see how it played out with the guy I met earlier. Long story short - me and dude ran into each other on the dance floor. I had to literally push other men out of my path to get to him. He came and got me through the crowd, held my hand and we started dancin. He was not much of a dancer. I LOVE dancin. So off top, I was thinkin "boooooooo! but whateva - let's see if he can hang with my conversation." Nope. He was quiet. It seemed like he wanted to say so much but just didnt know what to say. I kept leavin him. Thinkin maybe he was nervous and needed time to get his words and swag back in place. Nope. This was who he was: someone totally different than swagful, secure performer. So, I thought "Ok back to the bartender".
The music is still goin and I look at the bartender until he looks at me and we start grinnin at each other again. He motions for me to come to him and I do. He pours me a drink. I start whisperin in his ear, makin him laugh so hard he's knocked my drink over and had to pour me another one. So we start flirtin. Then I think about somethin he said and I say to myself "wait - he's a baby!" So I go back to him and ask him his age. "How old do you think I am?" "You're 21 because you're in here. But you're barely 21!" He looked at me and asked me how I knew. "Cause you still don't know trouble when it's starrin you in the face!" he laughs hard again. I laugh with him and peck him on the cheek, drink my drink and leave. When I get home, the rapper texts me saying he hopes I had a nice night and I think - Lord, I was hopin I'd have one myself. Sweet guy though. Really sweet.
Ive been trying to explain the time difference to my family. I told my sister Wizzy and my cousin Tamishe
"you know how in Cali if you wake up at like 8 in the morning you'll see people on they way to work, kids on they way to school? At around noon you see mostly kids who are cutting school and adults on lunch breaks or without jobs? And then at like 6 it's mainly folks rushin home from work, around eight to 10 its mainly adults and teens - but no kids out? Well, here, you can be on a subway at 4 AM and it has the same mix of people as a California afternoon. It's so easy to lose track of time here because every minute and hour looks like a California afternoon, even when it's dark."
I think another reason I've become nocturnal is because I aint got shit to do right now in my life except for write. I got my confirmation number to Germany. I wish I could leave tomorrow but the soonest everything is open is on the 8th of November - next monday. So in the meantime between time I'm just pinchin pennies and chillin.
I have been writing my black ass off! I love the new direction my writing is taking. I've all of a sudden found myself working on a novel that I am absolutely in love with. I am actually writing the type of work that I would be interested in reading. I love it. I feel like a writer for the first time in my life and I've given myself full permission to operate in that feeling and cant no one tell me otherwise.
Today I just stayed in. I ate a little - I havent had much of an appetite sine I left Cali. I think I'm heartbroken, but I expected to be so - whatever. I get very thirsty here and the tap water is awful. Its just truly disgusting and I'm always thirsty. lol.
The men here are not much different than the men in Cali. I used to think there was a huge difference but there really isnt. Most men nowadays just dont take the time to try and understand womyn. I dunno if its because they dont have to or what - but Lord! I like that the men in New York approach me boldly. But after they get past hello they dont really know what to say or do. Most of them offer me drinks. And of course I love drinks. So I drink and wait for them to be who they are and not who they think I want to fuck that night . . . and they just buy me more drinks and hope that I'll get drunk and make it easier for them . . . and then I'll stop drinking and go home. This has happened 3 times already.
I met one guy that I was really attracted to. I saw him rap at a venue. I thought he was hilarious and found his security sexy. Afterwards he sat next to me and I didnt say anything to him, I just smiled. He smiled back. I thought "he could get it". Later I got on the mic and said a couple of poems. The men in the room absolutely loved em. After the show the guy that I liked came and introduced himself. We complimented each other. He asked me for my number and pretended it was about business. I played along. I asked him what was up with the night, it was young. Is there a fun place to go and dance. He told me where him and his friends were goin and I told him me and my girls would meet him there. We did. I had already told my girls that I was goin there just to flirt with him.
The place is PACKED with men. The bartender is SO fine - even his earlobes had muscles. He and I caught eyes and he smiled a naughty, freaky, McNasty, sexual smile and my grin almost touched my ears. But I didnt say nothin to him because I wanted to see how it played out with the guy I met earlier. Long story short - me and dude ran into each other on the dance floor. I had to literally push other men out of my path to get to him. He came and got me through the crowd, held my hand and we started dancin. He was not much of a dancer. I LOVE dancin. So off top, I was thinkin "boooooooo! but whateva - let's see if he can hang with my conversation." Nope. He was quiet. It seemed like he wanted to say so much but just didnt know what to say. I kept leavin him. Thinkin maybe he was nervous and needed time to get his words and swag back in place. Nope. This was who he was: someone totally different than swagful, secure performer. So, I thought "Ok back to the bartender".
The music is still goin and I look at the bartender until he looks at me and we start grinnin at each other again. He motions for me to come to him and I do. He pours me a drink. I start whisperin in his ear, makin him laugh so hard he's knocked my drink over and had to pour me another one. So we start flirtin. Then I think about somethin he said and I say to myself "wait - he's a baby!" So I go back to him and ask him his age. "How old do you think I am?" "You're 21 because you're in here. But you're barely 21!" He looked at me and asked me how I knew. "Cause you still don't know trouble when it's starrin you in the face!" he laughs hard again. I laugh with him and peck him on the cheek, drink my drink and leave. When I get home, the rapper texts me saying he hopes I had a nice night and I think - Lord, I was hopin I'd have one myself. Sweet guy though. Really sweet.
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