GOODbye California

Considering all of the things I had to do and experience before I left California, I believe I left the state on good terms. Of course, I left it with enemies - but the people who have always loved me still do and will always.

Tooo much - I am learning tooo much so soon and so fast on this journey. Some days I feel like I need a video camera and a mic implanted in my mind that can narrate for me so that you could get every detail. I am now in New York and I was just on the train today in shock of all the shit I just went through for a year to be on that train. I lived with people - strangers, lovers, acquaintances, family and patient and giving friends for a year. I have slept on couches, floors, in a closet (made into quaint and comfortable room) in cars, boats and some of the most comfortable beds. I have had to adjust to cats, kittens, dogs, couples, singles, infants, preteens, potheads, partyers, players, poets, church folks, elders, exes, and houses with other house guests besides myself and honestly - I can not believe it. I just can't believe Im HERE. In New York on my way out of America within days.

New York doesnt feel like New York. In my body I am still in California. At first I thought it was jet lag. I was telling my mentor/friend (before I left Cali) that flying in airplanes is unnatural. I don't mean that it is "wrong" - a lot of things I love to indulge in are unnatural like, caramel. But I dont think that flying is meant for the soul. We are made to stop and see and smell and taste and journey instead of just appearing at a destination. It usually takes me the same amount of time to adjust to being in the destined city after a long flight to "catch up with myself" the same amount of days it would've taken me to get to my destination by bus or car or boat.

Anyway, while in New York I am touring. Visiting as many poetry spots as possible. I've already been to Baltimore and had an OK time. Maryland is hard to adjust to but I know that I am speaking from the perspective of a person who reads people more than places. You know, tonight I had the honor of being invited to a venue and I was to say a poem. When I got to the venue a poet was speaking and she is well known. I have seen her perform before and was impressed. Tonight she said different poems than what I'd seen before and I couldn't hear her because of the audience. They weren't loud or talking. They were praising the poet - not her poetry. When she said jump up and down and squirm or pace or make goofy faces and softly clap their hands - but they weren't really a listening audience. They were fans of catch phrases. I don't believe they really cared whether the catch phrases served the poem or not. I stared at some of the audience members and went closer to the front to fight feelings of contempt. I hate popularity competitions. They never cease to make any moment feel like the first day at a new school. It wasn't until my name was called to speak that I realized that I didnt want to say a poem for this audience. I was no one to them so they would fail to act like they were really hearing me like they were acted for the other poet. Of course I said a poem, I didnt perform it. I just let it spill out, stayed till the last poet spoke (out of respect) and left.
            When I got back on the train I realized the problem wasnt the audience more than it was me. I discovered that I just don't want to say poems for certain people. The air in the place was stuffy and not in a breathing sense but in a pretentious sense. There was no real welcome. There was no invitation for the unfamiliar. I wont perform for an audience like that again. I dont have to. I didn't have to tonight but I'm glad I did and I am still truly honored to be included in the sharing.