NOT Day 1

Lord,

There is so much goin through my mind right now, it's a trip. So, I'll start you at a fair beginning and fill in questions if you ever have them.

About a year ago I fell in lust and almost got arrested for it. (It's a long story that you can hear on snapjudgment.org. Type my name in the search engine and click on the story called "Junk In The Trunk".)  Anywho, the entire experience shook me to my core. I'd never come so close to losing everything I worked so hard for and I'd never felt so embarrassed and naive. If I'd gotten arrested - just arrested, not proven guilty or anything I'd have lost my job working with children, I'd have lost my home because I would have had no job to pay my rent - I would have lost everything and I risked everything for the idea of falling in love and living another American predictable disaster - not that marriage is a predictable disaster - it's just the kind of marriage I had envisioned for myself would have been a predictable disaster because I was willing to sacrifice too much and expected too little from whoever was willing to step up and pretend to be the best pretender at the time <-- (thats another long story). So, I was a mess and didnt know it. What I did know was that I'd just escaped a mess by the skin of my teeth!

I remember lying on my bed, feeling the adrenaline and crying right after I'd been excused from the crime scene. After thinking of how much I could have lost, it made me examine what I had. After much examination I realized that I didnt have much. I had just turned 28 years young and felt 15 when it came to relationships and abut 30 when it came to life. I was single - well, divorced for almost 5 years with no kids and sharing a house with my mother. I remember lying on that bed with tears rolling down the sides of my eyes and thinking "I just wanna go". I just wanted to get up and go where no one knew me and I knew no one. Of course I gathered that this feeling might be considered a "normal" mild case of depression provoked from just escaping jail. Yet, as time passed the feeling of wanting to leave stayed the same. After even more time passed the feeling began to grow stronger.

So after a few months of "feeling" I made a decision to "do". I gave my mother 6 months notice that I would be moving out of our home to stay on the couches of friends in order to save enough money to tour Europe. I, after all am a well known Bay Area poet, a smart womyn (or so I think) with lots and lots of friends and resources to catch me if I stumble (or so I thought). 

A year has passed and I will be leaving for Nairobi, Kenya in less than a month (fingers crossed). This blog was created by me to share with you what I have learned in the journey towards my journey and what I will learn when I get there.

A few warnings: Yes, my grammar sucks. Yes, my punctuation is way wrong. Yes, I curse like a sailor. Fuck yeah I consider myself a damn good writer!