Lesson 1: Part One and Two

A Few things I've learned in Germany:

• How to appreciate black coffee (because hardly any one knows what the hell Soy milk is).
• How to smile and nod politely before I say (in German) that I only understand a bit of German.
• How to smile and nod and chew things I've told people time and time again that I do not like but they insist on offering me like chocolate and bread, which, by the way, I've learned to respect.

Lastly, the most important thing I've learned in Germany - to let go.

This lesson is gonna take a lot of explaining: last night I was - wait - a couple weeks ago. yes, we'll start there, on Thanksgiving I met a young man - not Patrick, someone else. A videographer. Nice young man and I forgot that I gave him my card. Anywho, he jokingly texted me and would not reveal himself. Now, if you have known me more than 10 years then you know firsthand that I have had some issues with a person in my past who would not respect my personal boundaries. So I got angry that the young man wouldnt reveal himself in the text message, but I didnt respond because, even though I didnt know it was the young man texting me, I knew that whoever it was was clearly unaware of my my past and I needed time to calm down.

Then last night. I went to meet a new friend, Anita, who owns a nice bar and has been in Frankfurt for so long that some folks from some place in Europe wanted to include her in a documentary. Anita wanted me to be in the documentary but I just came by to help her in case she needed anything. So after they filmed her, I hung around and met two guys. One was from Scotland and I think the other was from England. They were funny as HELL. The one from England ordered a whiskey at the bar. The bar tender poured him SUCH a small bit and that guy from Scotland picked up the cup, examined it and said "well, that's a thought!" LMAO. you had to be there. Anyway, me and the guys joked. Most of the night I was sober and didnt feel like drinkin. But around like 1 or 2 AM another friend of theirs joined us and we decided to go to Kareoke. I kept tellin em I cant sing but they insisted that with the power behind my voice I could. So we went.

I sang Tiny Dancer (horribly) first. Then they got me a rum and coke and I sang Al Green's You Ought To Be With Me (A bit better) Then, after the second (and final) drink I sang Dr. Feelgood By Aretha Franklin and actually surprised my damn self! A few sets of lovers even got up and slow danced as I sang. And then I met another nice man with a big bright, perfect smile. We talked and I gave him my card.

So today, I was supposed to go back to meet Anita but I've been goin out every single night this week so I just stayed in. Well, the guy who texted me called me and I explained to him why I dont like people playing on my phone. And he really is a nice young man. And then, the nice man I met at the Kareoke with the perfect smile wrote me an email saying he likes my blog. The young man also quoted a piece of my blog and here is Part One of the letting go lesson:

I am very shy sometimes. I really am. Ask ANY long term lover I've had - ALL two of em (haha) can recall at least one time where I was so shy I hid or balled up into myself. When I feel unexpectedly exposed I become VERY shy. And I've been handing out a lot of business cards with this blog address on em because Im here on business (sorta). But I also hand out the cards because they have my email and number on em. So most of the people that I have hung out with and/or flirted with already know more about me than I do them after they read this blog and that makes me very shy. But Ive decided that instead of censoring myself on this blog from now on (cause I surely did give that idea some thought) I just gotta let go of trying to control how much information a person gets about me. What I write here is all me and they gonna find out sooner or later so fuck it.

Part Two
*deep breath*
My Love. Yes, I'm still in love with someone, and I'm gonna be in love with him until I'm not. Once again: no, we are not "together". Yes, he knows how I feel. No, he does not feel the same.

Ok. My Love and I recently had a conversation about dating - not each other (he's halfway across the world and even when he was standin right next to me we werent dating). He mentioned other womyn in this conversation and I swear on my soul, had this been even a month ago I wouldve gone ape shit at the thought of him  even smiling at another womyn's jokes. Seriously. So when he brought up dating I immediately did inventory and I was so proud of myself for really being OK with it. This is the first time in my life I have NOT been jealous in a situation like this and all types of shit ran through my head to test my emotions "what if he finds a womyn who is gorgeous, what if he falls in love with her and you come back and the entire friendship is gone, what if he marries her and blah bla blah" I dont care. I mean of course, I care about him - I'm in love with him. But the fact about it is even if he, by some miracle,  fell in love with me, that wont make him "mine". He's his own person. He can do what he wants cause I sure as hell am gonna do what I want. I love him enough to wish him the best joy and peace God can give him - even if that means Im completely out of the picture. He's a really special man, so he deserves nothing less than everything he wants.

Also, I still believe in God. And if what God has for me is really for me, then I just gotta keep learning how little control I have over what other folks see, or overlook, or gossip, or say, or think, or forget concerning me. I just gotta keep letting go.