Lately Ive been in my head and not welcoming anyone in so thats why Im takin my time in between blogs. Germany can be a depressing place. Not the air or the sights. I think Ive been to enough different atmospheres in life to where everything has its similarities and this is why I can find beauty. But the people here are very different and so is the system. I dig Socialism and see the great possibilities of it. But the positive outcome of Socialism is truly in the attitude of the people. In Germany, from what I can see, Socialism has made spies out of the jealous. I keep hearing stories of people turning each other in over "extra" unaccounted income, old time friends betraying one another because one doesnt want the other to have what he or she doesnt and although the majority of people I have met have been pleasant, they ALL have noseyness in common. And the noseyness isn't like what I'm used to. Usually in America when people are getting to know you they ask you, your name, about your upbringing, about your hobbies, food taste, neighborhood you grew up, education and occupation and who you may know at a party or function and how. They ask you things that will tell them about YOU as a person. In Germany one of the first things people ask me is my age and why I am here and what I do for a living. One of the LAST things they ask me is where I'm from. I listen to people carefully now. And while they are talkin and asking I'm wondering what they really want to know and what good the information is to them. It's hard for me to trust that everyone wishes me well. But everyone is smiling. It's such a subtle ugliness and it's turned me off from openness and pleasantries.
So, lately I've been stand-offish and to myself. I really don't want to share with you (friends and family back home) any more of my progresses and failures because that's not every one's business. I am displeased enough to leave Germany before my visa is up, this way, no one has any reason to be jealous or lie or even ask me anything. I am truly on a vacation here. When I get home, throw me a dinner and I'll share details then. I'll talk about Germany and other countries I visit more in depth after I leave them.
I remember recently when I went into a second hand store to buy some clothes to perform in and I didn't have enough money to get all that I wanted. I had on a beautiful dress that costed about 25 euro. I wanted to talk to the owner about the dress. While I was contemplating the dress in the mirror, this older German lady came into the shop. I walked over to the owner and asked if I could speak with her. She and I began to bargain. I was getting a good compromise out of the owner, I know I was, and was about to agree to the deal for the dress and a pair of shoes when the old lady appeared behind some clothes and commented to me about the deal I was getting. Now, in America, I would've said "Uhm, you should mind your business and not mine!" And telling her off was on the tip of my tongue but my friends who were with me saw it and calmed me. They told me that's how the people are here. Nosey.
Another case, I went to a club and a man began to talk to me. I didnt care for his conversation and tried to leave politely. He begged me to stay. I told him "no" stern and politely. This guy goes to the owner and tells the owner of the club that I found it boring and wanted to leave. Now, if I were in America, I wouldve cursed him the fuck out and been ready to beat his lily white ass for lyin on me. But, I am new in a city and not well known enough in the club to even debate the spoiled little piece of shit. So I rolled my eyes and left.
These are little cases and reasons why I don't talk to people much anymore out here, it's because they wanna know too much so badly and it's creepy. It's a turn off.
In other news, I got to see my friend Linda who is a German native and Diana and they are awesome. I dunno what I'm doin for Christmas. I haven't heard from my mother or my oldest sister at all. That's . . . too bad for me I guess. I told them to email me their land lines but no one has. I guess . . . whatever . . .
In the meantime, I'm tryin to keep myself happy. I've been writing a lot of songs and using everything I feel to create. I really wish I could find a meditation center nearby. That would be really helpful.